. (xo_kates_xo) wrote in the_splendid,
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xo_kates_xo
the_splendid

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This entry is about cutting and self-mutliation. It's not detailed nor does it have pictures.


0. Do you cut? I used to. It's been 7 months and 2 weeks
1. Who do you hide SI from? I hid it from my parents and family. That was it.
2. Who knows about it? My friends knew.
3. How long has it been since you last cut? 8 Months and 2 weeks (not to the day though)
4. Have you ever tried to commit suicide before? Yes. Once back in 6th grade(4 years ago). Other times I just was very close to almost doing it.
5. Where do you usually cut? I would cut on my wrists/arms, ankles, feet(bottom of it, I cut and it healed so fast w.o scarring.), my stomach
6. When you cut, who's usually the first to find out? My "best friend" Darbie, then my then bf Joe.
7. What's your worst experience with a fresh cut? Almost the whole school found out.
8. Do you have a fascination with scabs? Yes
9. Do you like scars, yes or no? No, I have them all over, not just from cutting but from surgery and a thing I had.
10. Do you name your razor? No way.
11. What other methods of SI do you use? I would cut. That was about it. Or I'd hit something really hard over and over.
12. Do you dislike the term "self mutilation"? Now I do yes.
13. What various ways do you use to hide cuts? Long sleeve shirts/hoodies/sweaters and bandaids
14. Once cuts heal, do you still hide the scars? no.
15. Ever been institutionalized/hospitalized for SI'ing? Well my folks took me to my doctor and to a phyciatrist after they found out.
16. Do you ever run into problems with hiding cuts (i.e: gym change rooms)? No.
17. What's the best part about cutting to you? Releasing my unwanted feelings(ie anger, pain, frustration)
18. Do you know of any songs that talk about SI? No.
19. Have you ever been caught cutting/burning, etc? Well when I was doing it I was never like walked in on. But my parents found out I did cut.
20. What instrument do you use to cut? Razor blade or knife.
21. What causes you to cut? At first I cut to try it out, see what it was like, then I did it for attention, and then the addiction, attention and the feeling it gave me were the reasons.
22. What do you feel afterwards? I felt great. Now that I am stopping, I feel like it's pointless
23. What is your closest Close Call? Everytime I was in a fight with my parents or someone I'd call Branden(my ex bf/best friend). He would always calm me down. I'd call him after I cut sometimes too.
24. How long have you been doing it? I started in November 2002 and quit in July 2003. I was suicidal in 2000-2003
25. Do you keep a razor in your bag? No.
26. Ever needed stitches for a cut so deep? No. I didn't do it too deep.
27. Do you have someone like a therapist you talk to regularly? Well I have a real therapist I used to see every 2-3 weeks, whom I don't see anymore(idk why I still need her). And then there were my two best friends and good friend (Branden and Kaylee;Adrienne) whom I'd talk to about it and theyd help me.
28. Are your parents divorced? No.
29. Do you label yourself a ‘cutter’? No.
30. How long have you cut for? I cut for 10 months.
31. Why did you start? For attention and to see what it was like.
32. When did you start? November 2002
33. What did you use? steak knife
34. What do you use now? I don't cut anymore.
35. Have you ever tried to quit before? Yes. It's been 7 months and 3 weeks. I tried to quit before this and I couldn't.
36. What’s the longest time you’ve went without cutting? 7 months and 3 weeks
37. Have you tried alternative coping methods other then cutting? Smoking and shoplifting
38. Why do you like to cut (if you do)? I liked it bc it released all my emotions and made me feel better
39. Why don’t you like cutting (if you don’t): I loved it when I did it. Now I look back and see how much I hurt my family and friends. I just found out my ex/best friend branden thought it was his fault I used to cut bc of shit we've been through. He isn't a very emotional person, and he told me that he thought it was all his fault and everything. I feel horrible because it was NOT his fault.
40. Have you ever needed stitches before? No.
41. Have you ever been to the hospital for cutting or issues relating to cutting? Not to the hospital but to my doctor
42. Who all knows about your cutting? My friends, my mom,dad,sister.
44. Would you advise people to stop or start cutting? I would advise them to stop. It is very addicting I know. But you are truly hurting everyone around you. Even if you think no one cares, they do. Hell some of my enemies were even worried about me.
45. Have you ever talked to a professional about your cutting/issues relating to cutting? Yes.
46. Do you like the taste/look of blood? Yes.
47. Do you ever cover or conceal scars/cuts, if so why? I wore long sleeve shirts because I was scared that my parents would find out.
48. What is your opinion on cutting? I think in one way or another we start it for attention in addition to how we feel. I think cutting is really bad now that I look back on it. I have been there. I know what it's like to want to cut and want to die. But you have to know that you ARE hurting EVERYONE around you.
49. Have you ever taken pictures of your cuts/scars, if so why? No.
50. Do you think there is a connection between mental illness (depression, anxiety disorders etc.) and self-injury? Most definitely. I suffer from Anixety and depression, and that definitely had a role in my cutting.
51. Is there a certain song that describes how/when/why you cut? Perfect-Simple Plan
52. Do you like scars/scabs? No.
53. Do you pick at scars/scabs?Yes.

My story
August 7th, 1998 my brother, Josh died from complications of his cerebal palsay. I took it very hard and that's when everything started to kick it. It wasn't so hard to begin with, I mean I was 9 years old when it happened. Depression runs in my family, my mother has it so do her parents, and I inherited it. This just triggered my depression. First you have to understand what my relationship with my brother was like. He was the best brother ever. I had a special bond with him. Every morning I'd wake up extra early and go downstairs and crawl into bed with him in the morning and he loved it. My brother was in a wheelchair, couldn't really move his joints very well or talk. We would play with our stuffed animals, and I would always sit on his lap. We loved each other very much. In 6th grade, I tried to kill myself twice. I went into our bathroom upstairs, sat on the toliet and tried to suffocate myself, but I chickened out. The next time I tried to cut my wrists with a shaver but it didn't work. Before 6th grade I was seeing a phyciatrist to deal with my brothers death but like I said, it didn't really affect me till later on. After those two times I wasn't suicidal very much until 8th grade. In 7th grade, my father and I started really fighting and getting into it along with my mother and I. My father is 6'6" and 300-some pounds, he's a big guy and scary. That didn't stop me. We would fight like no tomorrow. My parents finally decided I had to go see another phyciatrist. So I saw someone else. My parents and I still fought(not like just talk fighting and what not. It was pretty bad). Then in 8th grade I started getting suicidal. I would talk about just chugging alcohol along with tons of pain killers and everything. This went on for a while. I was a big girl. I was kinda chubby(not obese in anyway but I was chubby). I always got picked on and teased and told to wear bigger clothes and what not. All my friends were skinny and that just added to everything else. Branden and I started dating in 6th grade. we dated nmore than 15 times in just 6th and 7th grade alone. He kinda was an asshole to me and would call me fat and a slut. And what not. I loved him too much to get over him though, so I put up with it. I would cry and cry from him. Emotional abuse I called it. It wasn't horrible but it was pretty bad. I am best friends with him today and I still don't talk to him about how it made me feel bc he knows he was an ass and constantly apologizes for it, especially lately. He's changed. Most definitely. Well it started hitting me more in 8th grade with my brother gone. In 7th grade as well. I cried for hours on end and what not. In high school I realized how much I miss him and need him. I had no one in my family that I was close to and I needed HIM back. I hated God for 4 years for taking him. I blamed myself. I was looking for a way to cope. Well then High school. I kept getting the whole chubby thing. Then I chose a different group of friends. I started dating this punk guy and acumilated all his friends. Thats who introduced me to cutting(Darbie). At first I did it to see what it was like. And through everytime I did it I did it for attention. I did it one night because I was mad at Joe. All of a sudden I was addicted to it. I did t everytime I was mad, pissed, upset, frustrated or just bored. I was proud of it to begin with and showed it off. Yeah I started for attention I though it was cool. Later on I hid it. I was not so much ashamed. In March 02' I had sex with Joe(I was 14). After that things changed with him so i broke up with him. All those "friends" turned on me. I was left without anyone. The friends I had before I started dating him were no longer there. I changed they didn't like who I was anymore. I didn't have the group I had when I was with Joe. I was alone. I slipped into a deeper depression. In April, I wound up hitting a wall 15 times and fucked up my hand. I went home that night and cut like a mother fucker. In end of May I got into a huge fight with my dad in the car and he wound up kicking me out of the car(at 9 at night). Then he came and got me and I was so upset that I screamed at him, "Do you see my arms? You see what you make me do?" My parents talked to me that night and for everynight for a month to get me to talk. They had me go to my doctor and talk about it. They took me to find a new phyciatrist(I went through 5 or 6 by then because I never liked any of them.). I still cut. My phyciatrist made me show her my arms every time I went to see her. Over the summer I was getting worse and worse. I started dating Branden end of June again. Lasted a week. We wound up talking alot over the summer. I would always call him when I was fighting with my parents or something happened and I wanted to cut or kill myself. I also talked to my friends Adrienne and Matt. One night Matt shared me a story from his past when he almost killed himself. I'm not going into detail, but he was 15 at the time(now 18) and he was sharing it with me. He told me how he learned it was not worth it. He really touched me that he told me, and didn't even tell my sister and her boyfriend(his BEST FRIENDS). He was always there for me aswell whenever I needed to talk to someone. Well one night in the summer Matt said he was going to kill himself. I spazzed out. I told him to drive over here(my parents were out of town that week) even though it was 1 am. I told him if he couldn't promise me that he wasn't going to do anything that he had to come here or i'd have my sister either drive me there or I'd just take her car(I was 14 no temps nothing). Well, we agreed he'd just come over the next day before he went off to work. He wound up not doing anything. But that week my sister and I got into a huge fight (she and her friends were drinking and bothering the fuck out of me). I wound up cutting the next night after I walked out of the house with my two friends and stayed at someone's house, coming home at 6 in the morning.
I finally decided to quit cutting that week in July 2003. I have not cut since. I am NOT saying It is easy. I just realized that there are tons of people who care about me and would be affected if I killed myself or continued to cut. I still to this day get the urges to cut. Some months are worse than others. But last night I decided I should come out and share my story and try to help people. I really know that cutting or any other self-mutilation is horrible. I know its terribly hard to quit. I know what its like to be depressed. I know what its like to be abused(my best friends mother always abused her and once infront of my face and it was HORRIBLE). I feel horrible for the way I've been. In august I broke my leg and spent ALOT of time laying around (it was a really bad break). I cried many times because I learned how much my parents and family cares about me.

If anyone wants to talk to me my Screen Name for AIM is stupidxgirl15
my e-mail is kates-zibbie06@wi.rr.com and I'll be setting up MSN soon with xokatesxo@hotmail.com

PLEASE COMMENT OR IM ME OR CONTACT ME IF YOU WANT TO I'M HERE FOR AAAANNNYYYOOONNNEEE



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